February 14, 2011

My Valentines Day Post

This is an excerpt from a note I wrote on my Facebook a little while ago.  Thursday Keith and I should be getting married and I will be Mrs. Weslowski :)

I know exactly what it is like to think that he is dead.  When he took that very bad fall, which was only a year into our relationship, I honestly played through my head having to plan his fucking funeral.  I seriously thought  I was going to watch a group of firefighters pull his dead body out and have to say goodbye.  To this day I cannot think about the accident without crying because that feeling was so real to me.  I watched him lay in a hospital bed in so much pain and there was nothing I could do but hold his hand and kiss him.  When I received the call that he would not stay in bed the next day and that if he kept walking around he could paralyze himself I could not get to the hospital fast enough.  For awhile I really didn't know if he would ever walk again, but it never crossed my mind for a second whether or not I would stay with him.  Walking him take those first real steps after the accident I bawled the whole time doing my best to make sure none of our friends saw it or the doctors.

I pushed him in a wheelchair, I bathed him, I dressed him, and I walked slowly in front of him while his hands were on my shoulders for him to regain strength in his back.  I have been down that thick road with him, I have seen him at his worst and I have been his only strength to hold on to at points.

When my Grandmother went through Hospice and I was so pissed off every day watching the pain just grow and grow, he was there.  He helped stand her up to go to the bathroom, he cleaned up the floor when she couldn't make it in the bucket, he moved her to help her get comfortable and he talked with him.  While I was crying in the bathroom because I couldn't understand why they kept telling me she was dying and she was still able to tell me she loved me, he held me and told me he couldn't understand either.  I was allowed to vent to him about how much I really wish it was me there, how much watching the person who gave me strength in everything hurt so bad.

He held me while I watched so many people come in day after day to tell her goodbye.  I lost it when my Dad came over and just bawled and just held her hand and said there's no reason that someone like her should have to go through that.  She was literally reduced to nothing day after day in front of us and I couldn't do anything but cry and complain to Keith who listened to everything I had to say.  He drove me over when we received the phone call that she passed and he held me while I cried in her driveway for almost an hour because I didn't know what else to do.  He went through my worst and stood right by me when most men really wouldn't know what to do.

We will not be married in front of a bunch of people, there will not be over $50 spent, no gifts received (unless you want to include our son :) ), no special vows, no dress, there will be nothing fancy.  When we do it will just be two people who have been through hell and back in front of a judge and a close friend saying ' I do ' and knowing that there's nothing new to expect from either one of us.  The only new journey that we will discover about ourselves is being parents.

One of the last things that I told my Grandmother was that I will tell our child all about her when we have one.  She loved Keith and knew that he was right for me.  Through all the bullshit that people have told us about each other and how much we've both believed that we deserve nothing and that no one will ever love us and we will have nothing good, she knew everything would work out.

Being Mrs. Weslowski is really the only thing that has not happened in our relationship yet, and I cannot wait.  I will not have a ring to show off and flash in everyone's face but we will have a beautiful son and I do not regret any second of this.  My future husband will be a great father, he loves feeling him kick, hearing his heartbeat and talking about all the things they will do together as he grows.  I cannot be more blessed than to have him saved from that accident.  I will get to spend my time growing old and raising a beautiful boy with someone who had so many chances against him.

Keith I love you, I appreciate the fact that you are alive every single day.  I have sat up so many nights just staring at you and crying because I knew how close I was to losing you.  Thank you for everything you have done and for everything you will do for Korey and me as the future comes.  Thank you for giving me what I never thought I really could have, real love.

And thank you to my family who has accepted Keith through and through, I really cannot explain to you how much it means to me when I have had to hear certain people not even want him to exist.  Thank you."

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