October 12, 2011

Cancer Sucks

Christmas is coming up and I can't stop thinking about how much I miss my Grandmother.  I never really came out and said it but I was completely devastated that she wasn't there for the birth of my son. She never got to hear that I was pregnant, or see his ultrasounds, come to my baby shower. Years before I found out I was pregnant she died. I watched it happen in front of me and it has changed me completely.

So many nightmares I had from watching her suffer and just wither in front of me. I begged and pleaded to her God and to my Gods and Goddesses. Being let down by them really tested me and took me a long time to realize that certain things are beyond anyone's control. My religion is not something I like to share, because I'm judged on it and hated completely. Being Wiccan has never been easy and it's worse when people think you really worship the devil.

Although my Grandma and me were on two completely different wave lengths religious wise, I always respected her, something that she earned because she loved me so much. I feel so cheated in her not being around and Korey not being able to see her. I will not let my promise down to her though, I WILL tell Korey all about his Great Grandma and how much she loves him even though they never got to meet. I hold onto the strength my Grandmother gave me whenever anything is tough. When I had my tooth pulled, I closed my eyes and engulfed myself in her arms. The tears I shed weren't from the pain of the tooth but from the feeling that I remembered her hug.

I love you Grandma. I love you, I love you, I love you. Even though our religions have two different outcomes of what happens when you die. I hope when of them is right and we get to meet again.

Love, your bread gut.

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